Surfing the Waves of Fatigue

People tell me to rest when I’m tired. That advice doesn’t work the way they think it does.

The fatigue I live with isn’t sleepiness. It isn’t the kind of tired that goes away after a nap or a good night’s sleep. It’s a wave. It comes at me like a wave in the ocean, building, getting bigger, threatening to pull me under. I can feel it before it arrives.

I can’t stop the wave. I can’t make it not come. What I can do is try to ride it.

Caffeine is part of my surfboard. Music is part of it. A splash of cold water on my face. These things don’t fix the fatigue. They give me something to stand on while the wave passes through. A little green tea, the right song playing, and I can stay upright a while longer. I can function. I can think. I can work.

But the wave doesn’t care how good my surfboard is.

Sometimes the wave is too strong. It flings me off that surfboard and pulls me under anyway. No amount of caffeine, no song, no cold water is enough. I go under and I stay there until the wave lets me go. Lying down isn’t a choice at that point. It’s just what happens when you’re underwater.

That’s the part people don’t see. They see me with my tea, my music, working, talking, appearing fine. They think the surfboard is a cure. They think I found a way to fix it. They don’t see the wave that was already building, the one I was riding while they were watching. They don’t see the times I go under.

I’m not less tired than they think. I’m surfing.